emotionally unavailable

This term gets used to describe women’s frustration with men or relationship isssues in geeral. I don’t think women realize how un-useful it is. I know women are trying to put words and understandings to their frustrations within relationships. This has become a convenient explanation to why there are problems.

To make the problem obvious let me reverse the gender bender here. I’m sorry dear but we are not compatible because you are mentally/logically unavailable. Ouch, to describe a person as broken or deficient because they are different does not help create better relationships.

In detail, are there men who have strongly access to their emotions? Yes!

Are there men who have emotions but the volume is so low it is hard to find them undeneath the buzz of life? Yes!

Are there men who have no emotions? Yes!

Are there men who go through life’s experiences with out having emotions? Yes! These men have them but emotions are not how they experience life. When events happens they have thoughts not emotions. In other words when they go to the store for food, their experience is thoughtful not emotional. did I get everything? Is the price changed? Do I need gas? Should I get the ice cream even though it is not on the list?

Instead of, I’m so tired of forgetting things. I hate how the companies keep raising the price, they have no compassion. I hope I don’t need to stop at the smelly gas station. I deserve a reward like ice cream today.

tiredness, hate/dislike, hope, deserve/reward are all emotional filters through which the food trip is navigated. I’m not saying no men have this experience. I’m saying we need to make room for understanding many men do not experience life’s event their emotions. And that they are not considered broken or labeled as emotionally unavailable for processing life in a different way than you.

Just like you should not be considered deficient for not processing every event with thoughts. You should not be considered logically unavailable for having mostly emotional reactions to the events in your life.

Now the logic processor and the emotional processor may not make a good partnership because they can not celebrate the the strength the other side bring to the table. But these labels we use that subtly judge the other person in a negative way for just who they are need to be dropped if we are to create healthy ways of relating.

Over simplfied summary: One side trusts emotions over facts. The other side trusts facts over emotions. When both should be consulted. There is a meeting of the two where facts can inform emotions and emotions and inform facts. This cross validation process is superior because it uses 2 sources of information to determine the way forward. The more information you can see the more perspective you have. the more side to a decision you have the more completely you understand what is before you to decide on.